Dear Santa,
My brother, Uncle Fun, got all the good stuff when we were growing up. He was the one that got the roller-blades, the bunk-bed, and all the good allergies. Now, I’ll grant you this, food restrictions were simply not cool back in the 80’s, but they’re rip roaring trendy right now and I’m feeling a bit left out.
Not only do none of us have any riveting hipster names, like “Jansen” or “Ryker,” none of us here have any reason to read food labels. Having no food restrictions means we can’t claim, “I’m so sorry Aunt Myrtle, I can’t eat your Figgy Pudding because I’m allergic to figs,” at those horrific family get-togethers that require such atrocious pudding traditions.
You see, Santa, I believe some allergies could improve my friendships. Having severe allergies and near anaphylaxis has resulted in deeper relationships for Uncle Fun. Uncle Fun can tell who really cares about him based on how much epinephrine they store in their emergency kit at their homes, just in case he should happen to visit and accidentally pet a small Scandinavian pony standing in their dining room. By the time he was 25 years old, he had acquired a lineup 50 friends deep that claimed dibs on sticking him with an Epi-pen, should the need arise. Those are true friends right there, Santa, and those are the type of sacrificial relationships that I want too.
I’m only allergic to cats, which is rather boring and isn’t unfortunate enough to make me interesting. I’m just not trendy, and I feel a bit like an outcast. I feel entirely inadequate while meeting with other moms during play-dates or park rendezvous.
Discussing their childrens’ allergies, Amanda turns to Lauren and says “Stella is highly allergic to deep-sea-squid, shellfish, pine nuts, pine cones, pilot whales, airline pilots, bees wax, candle wax, ear wax, vanilla extract, felt, snowmen and anything the color of yellow.”
“I understand,” Lauren replies “Atlas is allergic to anything containing the word “cheese,” any type of pickled radish, calcium citrate, all herbs, fresh fruit, spring water, toothpaste and anything pre-packaged in plastic.”
“I know what you mean,” Meghan responds, “Finley is solely a peskatarian now, and his father and I are gluten-free-Paleo-vegans.”
The moms exchange looks of solidarity and I feel completely left out. Then I hand my kids CHEEZ-ITs and they quietly gasp, and exchange horrified glances they don’t think I can see.
My kids have been noticing the difference too. Just last week my seven year old came to me and explained the cake she wanted for her next birthday.
“I don’t want a plain old Betty Crocker cake this time,” she demanded. “I want what everyone else is getting. What I want is a gluten and dairy-free, vegan, non-soy gelatin, formed into a cake-like shape with carob icing. I want faux gelatto made from organic, hypoallergenic Peruvian goat-milk, from goats raised free-range on a mountainside and fed exclusively with “fair-trade” acorn and hemp-flour pellets.”
“Are you sure you want that?” I questioned her.
“Yes,” she whined, “I want it exactly like Crispin and Lavender had it, and don’t forget to decorate it with the dancing Narnian wood nymphs.”
So here we are. It appears I’m not the only one from my family trying to blend into mainstream society.
This year I’m asking for a bit of help, Santa. It may be too late to bring us vougish-mod names, but you could at least bring us some fashionable allergies and provide a reason for us to shop exclusively at Whole Foods. An extra Epi-pen or two would be nice for Uncle Fun if you happen to have some lying around somewhere.
Thanks Santa,
Sincerely, Mrs.Diaz and family
P.S. I’ll leave you some soy-free, vegan, hemp chips and a tall glass of coconut milk. I know you’re trying to blend too.
Chewing Crayons 
LMAO!!!! I can’t stop laughing, literally I’m sitting here laughing while me kids stare at my like I’m crazy! “What does she have to laugh about?” I’m sure they are wondering. “Paelo-vegan” !!!! LOL I LOVE this! it was beautifully written and very, very true. We have no allergies here and no trendy names (but they are Italian). I have had people over my house and couldn’t offer them anything 😦 They act like I shopped in a dumpster! My children have raised suspicion too! They want to know what all this allergy stuff is all about! For my sons whole kindergarten year, he refuse to eat peanut butter because his best friend was allergic!! We had do endure a whole year of him asking me, “Does it have nuts in it?” Are you kidding me, you’re five!! And you don’t have an allergy!!!!!!! Love this! Great Post!!!
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Well I just burst out laughing at that comment! My hubs was like “what’s wrong with you” then he started laughing too. That was hysterical. Thanks. 🙂
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This was seriously some of the best satire I have read. 🙂 I do feel bad for people whose kids are deathly allergic to things like peanuts, but everything allergy-wise seems to be way over the top these days. Thanks for bringing some humor to the table. (Hopefully no one is allergic to that.) 😉
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I’m anticipating a backlash. Lol but that’s okay because I grew up around severe, eat-peanuts-and-you-will-die kind of allergies. Those kind are serious, and I remember being very scared for my brother’s life at times. but, hey, humor is my coping mechanism. 😀
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I laughed on the inside (sorry, didn’t want to wake sleeping family) but I know just where you are coming from. It seems that everyone seems to have an allergy or intolerance these days. I can’t say that I am not immune but I don’t expect everyone around me to conform. That’s just rude.
Thankfully, although my grandchildren are picky eaters it has nothing to do with allergies. And don’t get me started on my teen. lol
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*in my snootyish voice I can muster* I hear Santa has gone completely vegan now. He also now flies a Prius rather than a sleigh…something about the “Reindeer Equality Act”.
Girl, I love you. Please know that I would gladly stick you with an epi-pen any day of the week! ;0)
Great post!!
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He would totally drive a Prius. HAHAHAHA
And girl, thanks for volunteering to jab me with epinephrine. That’s real love right there.
You are hilarious.
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You’re cracking me up. I know it’s a serious matter, especialy these days, but its refreshing to see a humorous spin on it, and a well-written one, at that. Thanks for giving me a hearty belly laugh, with your sharp humor.
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It really is serious, but laughter is my coping mechanism. Yup. That’s my excuse and I’m sticking with it.
(But just between you and me, some of it is just plain ridiculous. You don’t even want to know what our family potlucks are like. One day I might just show up in a Hazmat suit.)
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This was so hilarious! And so true!! hahaha
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Thanks for coming by! I’m glad you found it funny. 🙂
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Haha! Great post.
I can totally relate. I was ‘in’ for a short time, when I discovered my son was allergic to eggs and tree nuts. But he outgrew those allergies by the age of two. Can you believe the nerve of him?
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So you mean it’s no longer mandatory to shop at Whole Paycheck,
uh, I mean Whole Foods?
That little stinker! 😉
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Too funny! Coming from an allergy-free family, I’m so grateful I don’t have to join that club… I can sit here and feed my kids food coloring and wheat and peanuts to my heart’s content. Having attempted a soy-free thanksgiving for a friend was rough. My children and I all agree though… we must be allergic to walnuts. Nasty things.
On another note, a dear 4 year old in Sunday school looked at the snack options and liked one that was offered to another (based on no-food coloring choices) better. She promptly announced that the one she got hurts her belly so she needed the other. They are learning… allergy or no.
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It’s amazing how kids adapt to the culture around them. A bit scary, really.
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Michelle, you amaze me. You have a GREAT way of putting things. I am SO thankful that we have NEVER had to worry about food allergies. We are stuck with the run of the mill hay fever and cat dander allergies. Nothing to “sneeze” at:) Keep the laughs coming!!!
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Thank you! I’m so glad you found it humorous. So far there has been a positive response to this satire and nobody has egged my house.
But maybe because anyone offended has an egg allergy. (Snicker) 😀
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Mrs. Diaz or what my family and I now endearingly call, “The Crayon Lady”. We ROARED laughing. I don’t think we had a dry eye and therefore loved love it! Awesome and funny read! Thank you!
I’ve been meaning to stop by and connect and tell you how awesome you’re humor is.
We relate this humor on so many levels including the opposite end. I was a child prevented from basically eating food per say and was fortunate enough to outgrow it and transformed to nature. My older son has my unfortunate genetic makeup and then some. (Perhaps creating more explicit detail should make some good and funny writing material in the future from that other side.)
At any rate, we say he’s just allergic to life. But, his name isn’t trendy.
Looking forward to more!
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Reblogged this on vivalovealways and commented:
I admit, I do not know this blogger or her family personally. Although, I am strongly considering asking if she will legally adopt me. It is more than obvious she is beyond talented. Her very well written and comical content is put in a perspective most relatable, smooth flowing, and just darn funny as heck. My family and I have instantaneously became huge fans, which I can only hope is not confused with “internet stalking”, LOL.
A huge shout out to you Chewing Crayons in Delaware! When my you’ve got my teenagers hooked, you’ve gotta know there is something there! Bountiful Blessings from the west side of the USA.
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Oh, Mrs. Diaz, I love you!! You put me in stitches every time! (the good kind!)
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