I might take the Vodka.

/ Chewing Crayons

It’s been with absolute dismay that I peer into the mirror and see small silvery hairs growing out of barren places on my scalp. These minuscule hairs are growing in where strong, vibrant, dark hair used to be, but is no longer. My luscious, thick hair began falling out by the handful a few months ago after hormone fluctuations from being postpartum.

Gray hair is now growing on my very sparse head in small batches of light colored fuzz.

I should be happy about the gray fuzz, because the alternative is complete baldness, and nobody wants that. Unless it’s baldness on my legs, and if that’s an option, show me where to sign up.

“See this?!” I whine to Mr. Diaz as I part my bangs back and lean my head down toward him. “You can see my scalp! I’m BALDING! My beauty is ending and I’m in agony, because I’m far too young to have a head like a buzzard!”

My husband spends a whole half-of-a nanosecond looking me over and says he has no idea what I’m talking about. He declares I’m not bald(ish), nor do I have a small army of grays invading my head. Well, I don’t believe him for a second. I’ve seen the evidence. I know that he’s lying so I’ll shut up and he can go back to watching football.

You never can tell how you’ll react to certain situations until you’re in them. I admit that the thought of losing my hair has me desiring to hide in a closet and eat even more dark chocolate than normal.

Every night, with as much hope as NASA has of discovering life on Mars, I investigate my head using an extra-zoom mirror, super-slow motion, and gently comb through the existing hair in search of new growth. Honestly, I never thought I’d be in a position where I would suddenly care immensely about hair follicles. I’ve even found myself praying, of all the ridiculous things; actually pleading, “Please God, PULEEZEE help my hair grow back up here…” As if God doesn’t have far more important things to do than pay attention to my vanity and my glabrous buzzard head.

I’ve been searching out solutions on my own. It never ceases to amaze me what I can learn from Google. Just yesterday I Googled, “How to treat a bald spot,” and I was overwhelmed by the amount of recommended information:

Waxes. Scalp massages. Egg concoctions that soak into the scalp. Hanging upside down. Slapping the head. Essential oils. Olive oils. Coconut oils. Enough oils and grease to incite the permanent look of a vagrant. Salt scrubs. Sugar scrubs. Even Vodka. Though, I’m not sure Vodka is for a rub as much as it’s for drinking ahead of time to gain the courage to slap a dozen eggs across your head and wear a plastic bag around for 48 hours.

You wouldn’t believe the “recommended treatment” lists I’ve sorted through of absurd growth-stimulating suggestions. It has been the education I never wanted. I read through editorials with snickers, sighs and even outright bewilderment. “Where’s the punch line?” I ask as I scroll down through preposterous yet detailed instructions.

My mind flashes back to Ricky Ricardo with tinfoil on his scalp. Rob Petrie with his oil and vinegar salad-dressing-soaked head. Suddenly every character I’ve ever seen on TV, trying to cure baldness, sails through my memory.

But my personal favorite was the Googled suggestion of a cayenne pepper scalp concoction that I promise will indeed solve anyone’s baldness complex. Because it’s guaranteed to blind you after it drips into your eyes and you’ll never have to see your own balding head again. Problem solved. The End.

All this to say, I’m cutting off a large amount of (what’s left of) my hair this coming Monday. Hopefully the little grey baby hairs won’t be so intimidated and will work to catch up to the rest of their comrades. I’m not entirely certain of the road I will take to stimulate hair growth and resuscitate the hibernating follicles that are sitting up-top sneering at me. The harsh reality is that I may end up hoping for Rogaine in my stocking. If I really get desperate enough, I may try some oils and even a sugar scrub.

Or, I could just end up getting the Vodka. At least that one serves a dual purpose.

It just might be worth a shot.

24 thoughts on “I might take the Vodka.”

  1. As I sit here with my morning cup of coffee and nosing through boring social media, my phone dings where I find this cute and unfortunately relatable post. Hormones are just lovely aren’t they? Even my 13 year old can attest to it – loss of hair, particularly around the scalp line, with what was silky and luxurious and now a Brillo pad… looking like a homeless Rastafarian child regardless how many times a day he combs it or how expensive the shampoo/conditioner is.
    Gray hair is evident to be among us regardless unless you’re my 80 year old father in-law who has like 5 and can afford to pull them out if he wanted to as he has an abnormally thick head of hair with no apparent threat to loosing it.
    Hormones are not your friend. I shall mourn with you.

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    • Ahhhh hormones. What can you do about it?. At least I have a very happy, healthy, chubby little baby who was so worth all the hormone fluctuations in the world.

      But I do hope I grow my hair back.

      I’d rather have gray hair than no hair, but only if it grows back on my head. And not my face. 🙂

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  2. Are your hormones regulated now? Don’t be prejudice of the gray hair! A hair follicle is a hair follicle and they are all the same on the inside. I’d rather have a full head of gray that can be dyed than nothing to work with. A friend of mine has similar issue due to alopecia and it is difficult. Before the vodka, get your butt to as many doctors that you can. Go for second and third opinions and try essential oils. The holistic remedies really do work for a lot of things. Keep praying and asking God, there is nothing wrong with that. And finally focus on what is there than what isn’t. I know that is pretty shitty advice but still, try. shift your focus. thank God that you are not seriously ill and are experiencing this as a result. I wish you well and a full, thick head of healthy hair, preferable not gray. BTW when i have had my children, clumps of my hair had fell out too. It isn’t as thick as it was and grays are sprouting on my head too. If we were men, we could just shave it and grow a goatee and have a whole Bruce Willis thing going on. This being a woman thing has its drawbacks at times.

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    • I’ve been through this hair-loss thing seven times now. I’ve had my thyroid checked repeatedly over the years and the tests always comes back normal. Usually, my hair grows back very quickly, but this time….it’s slow growin’. (See what I did there? Haha)

      I DEFINITELY want gray hair over no hair. Are you kidding me? I’ll be a happy camper and so will my stylist because she will be seeing me more regularly to keep up the color job.

      As for not being sick, yes, I’m seriously thankful. 🙂

      I am slightly concerned that the hair will grow back, but just not on my head. Haha

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  3. You might ask for the test for antibodies when checking your thyroid. I am a nurse as well as have thyroid disfunction disorder called Hoshimotos disease. I had several symptims and i always tested normal range for my tsh. Then they checked ine and i was positive for antibodies and then i had a sono of my neck that showed masses on my thyroid and also that it was enlarged. It snowballed from there. Sometimes we have to be our own advocates and keep pushing drs to find an answer.

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  6. I’m so sorry. I’m plugging the shower drain like it’s my paid position 9 months postpartum and while I have yet to see bald spots, I’ve taken to cutting the gray hairs that wave themselves like a wiry flag straight up from my head. I was told pulling them will grow two more. While I’m uncertain these hairs that resemble my husband’s whiskers have enough wherewithal to multiply, I decided to beat this game by cutting them instead. It’s a once a week job lately. Maybe they are winning after all.

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  7. I’m far beyond any postpartum concerns in my life, but started getting gray hair half way between my 2 girls who are 9 years difference in age while yet in my 20’s. At that time I had a full thick hair of long reddish brown hair. Pull one out no problem. Since a hysterectomy and the inability to use hormone treatment at 45, my hair is now much thinner, kept very short (just enough to get around the curling iron) and have a little poof. I have dyed my hair so many variations of brown and auburn that I have no idea what my original color was. Thirteen years later I wouldn’t pull any out and there are plenty clogging my tub drain on a regular basis. I need all I have left and use lots of product to give the illusion of thick hair. That works wonders.

    The good part of all of this is that I no longer have to pluck my eyebrows and hardly a need to shave my legs. I am down to about 12 all together and they are very easily found and knocked down. I haven’t found a remedy for the arm pits other than shaving most days. I usually take Saturdays off, just because I can and being single again, the only one looking is me. I am happy to report that I have no new hair on my face.

    I’m not sure of your chronological age, but if the spots in questions do not begin to thicken in I’d probably consult my Dr. Hormones can be our friends, but they can also be the enemy. It is so wonderful that you have that little person of yours for comfort.

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    • Brenda, it’s great to ‘see’ you here! I’m sorry about your hair loss issues too. That’s never fun, but the use of hair products is a great suggestion.

      My chronological age is 34, but I think that number changes based on how many children you have. I think it’s sort of like dog years. So, since I have had 7 children starting at age 21, I think my body is telling me that I’m actually around 70.

      Yeah. That sounds right.

      Hey! I look pretty hot for 70! 🙂

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      • Thank you. I’ve read a couple of your past posts so far and needed the laughter. Glad to hear 70 can still be hot!! I’m 57 and working on getting the bod back in shape. Foot surgery put me out of commission from exercise for a good while. I had myself convinced the calories wouldn’t count while laying for 3 months with my leg in the air. By 34 (actually 29) I was done with having any more kiddos and had 3 full term out of 5 pregnancies and the tubes tied. At the time I thought, wow no more pills, diaphragms or any other protective devices and I still had a LOT of hair. At 40 the body started breaking down. It was when I had the hysterectomy I found out that I had endometriosis. I have no idea whether or not that has anything to do with hair. I didn’t look back. I couldn’t possibly have the disease anymore as I had none of the parts and didn’t miss them at all. I’ll stay away from the vodka. That is quite another story in itself. I hope you find a remedy that works very soon.

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  8. Oh no! i have not experienced the problem described but I am a bit vain about my hair and would be devastated to be losing it. Typing out that sentence is humbling, it causes me to realize how shallow I am, focusing on outward beauty that WILL fade instead of the inward lasting beauty that lasts and matters.

    It is not silly to ask God for the help you need with this and I hope He leads you to a solution and that your body gets back in balance. Stay away from the spice rack though – cayenne?? ugh!!!

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    • I keep telling myself that God looks at the heart, but that’s not as comforting as I wish it was. haha “Vain” is never a word I would have used to describe myself. Until now.

      Thankfully, I got a really good hair cut today that is very forgiving. I almost look like I’m not balding. Almost. Hopefully, God will hear my prayers and help my hair grow back. And hopefully He gets the memo that I want it to grow in on my HEAD, and not my CHIN. 😀

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  9. Spironolactone can be used to treat hair loss, as can Biotin. Unfortunately, neither worked for me (and I had bad dizzy side effects from the spironolactone), but maybe they’ll work for you. Good luck!

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  11. Hair 😦 How about a wig? No?I had chemo and a liver transplant 2 years ago. My hair was to my tail bone. Well…that ended up in the shower drain and had the rest buzzed. But now I’m growing it . It’s long enough to braid now. I’m 60. I have to hunt to find a gray hair, but it is thinner along the front of my forehead. Face it girls, we aren’t 25 anymore and is a step down hill slide from here. lmao! I have had a very good ride and dammit I’m alive when I shouldn’t be! This is my 101 blogging blog. My main one is at http://www.mynameisjamie.net and another new one at watchandwhirl.WordPress.com where I’m going to reblog this post!

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    • Woah! You are one amazing lady! You must be a fighter. So glad that you are doing well and are able to re-grow some of your hair. 🙂 I’ll be sure to pop by your site and check it out. Thanks so much for your interest here and for your comment and re blog.

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  13. I really love your blog, donteatthecrayons.

    I’ve lost about half my hair since I birthed my last two babies. Had a VERY pronounced widow’s peak for a while. I see somebody already mentioned Biotin. I started taking 5000 mcg/day. (You can get it for a few bucks at Walmart.) I haven’t seen any difference in overall thickness, but maybe at 44 it’s just normal for my hair to thin. I did notice the hair above my temples growing back, so the widow’s peak isn’t so pronounced.

    But, wowee, my nails are growing like gangbusters and are much stronger! Maybe if I keep them shaped and painted nobody will even notice my hair?

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    • So glad you came by, BTDT. I’ll have to look into the biotin. So far, some of my hair is growing back but it’s all coming in grey. Hey, I’ll take grey hair over no hair any day.

      Another new development is that there is some cartilege growing on the tip of my nose. So hey. Maybe if my nose becomes disfigured, nobody will notice my head. 😉

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