This year, my husband and I have made the commitment to get into shape. While we aren’t considered “fat” right now, the shape we are in resembles two adults on the couch at night eating peanut butter and chocolate with a can of Reddi Whip on the side. I’ve been blaming my inactivity on my numerous pregnancies and my recent delivery. Frankly, it still sounds like a reasonable excuse to me. I believe that the impressive accomplishments of my womb entitle me to at least a truckload of chocolate while the kids are in bed.
But no more.
We are committed to taking better care of our health.
I proved my commitment tonight, when for the first time in a year-and-a-half, I decided to go out for a jog. I prefer exercising at night so neighborhood people can’t see me and holler “Hey! Why are you lying on my lawn?”
So, with Lindsey Stirling’s techno-violin pulsing through the earbuds, I took off down the street. I quickly found my stride and felt the rhythm as my feet pounded the pavement in the new Nikes I got for Christmas. I embraced the dark streets; wet from the day’s rain and glistening orange from the streetlights. I ran. I breathed. I made it down the block before I nearly puked.
Despite my enthusiasm, my bladder did not adjust quickly to my new recreation. It’s cool though. I’m sure every postpartum mom has asked herself if it was the running that triggered a bout of incontinence, or if that was just tears streaming from her under-worked thighs.
There is an ugly truth about jogging when out of shape:
We wog. Wogging is part jogging, mixed with fast paced walking. We only do the actual jogging when we see neighbors we know, or cars going by, because we have an image to maintain. But when we turn the corner, we slow into a brisk power walk that makes us look like we’re intentionally out for a walk, and not like all our bowels just fell out onto the concrete back at the corner. (Good bye, bowels. I’ll miss you.)
The husband and I are so serious about this health thing, that we’ve been juicing. That means that we walk through the produce aisle and pick out exotic and ridiculous foods that any person in their right mind wouldn’t dream of actually eating, and try to eek out what’s considered to be liquid. This juice diet is supposed to detox and cleanse our bodies, reset our metabolisms and provide copious amounts of nourishment. It’s working really well because it’s also cleaning-out our checking account.
Along with the juice, we are guzzling down gallons of water. This results in a poor night’s sleep due to frequent bathroom trips. But I suppose multiple toilet trips in the dead of night is a reasonable consequence for knocking back the whole of Lake Mead.
This, folks, is how our new year has begun. We’re hungry.
And as my brain slowly fades in-and-out while toxins make their way out of my body; as my vision blurs and my body goes into starvation mode from the cannibalism of my muscles; as my eyes leave me with hallucinations of burritos the size of bed mattresses,
I hear three whiny voices begging, “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommmyyy, can we play Caaandy Laaaaaand?”
Whatever. Any game is fine as long as it doesn’t involve wogging.
Just don’t pitch a fit if I pick up your game board and lick it.
Chewing Crayons 
Bwahahahahaha! This was delightful to read. Hubby and I just got a membership to the local gym. I’m not entirely sure I’m ready to give up caramel frappes just yet. I’ll be sure to bring my poise pads with me as I’m sure this post partum body will be leaking, too. *sigh* At least we aren’t alone. 😉
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Haha. That was great. 🙂
Hope your experience at the gym is awesome. I was smart, finally, yesterday and put on 2 bras and a pad. Much better. Lol
As for the coffee…I’m thinking since coffee and chocolate are both from beans, when you juice them, they turn into Mochas. ☕️
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This was tooo funny!! I can’t jog or even wog without falling on my face, but do put a lot of miles on my stationary bike. I can pedal my legs off for miles and miles and get nowhere. I have until April to get my sugar level down to a respectable level or the “D” word will be added to my list of ailments.
I love hearing you girls talk about the post partum stage of life. It brings back wonderful memories. With my last baby I gained more weight than I ever had before. Every day I would put #3 in the stroller and #2 and I would walk her around the neighborhood for an hour at a time. It didn’t take long to get rid of the baby weight (only 6 pounds of it was in the stroller) and back into a size that was appealing to me.
I can’t get the knack of the juicing thing. I tried slimfast at one point. I drank the shake and then still wanted to eat, so I was adding calories to my diet instead of deleting them.
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Brenda! Great to hear from you. I hope your New Year is going well.
The juicing is….interesting. It’s straight produce freshly juiced in our juicer. No other foods. Several years ago, we watched a great documentary called “Fat, sick, and nearly dead” (pretty sure it’s still on Netflix) about a man who was very heavy and on tons of prescription meds. He started to juice (only produce, juiced in a juicer) for 60 days and consumed nothing but juice. No food. By the end of 60 days he was off every single prescription because every single ailment had been healed. He was also 40 (or was it 50?) pounds lighter. The transformation was incredible.
We tried this type of diet a couple years ago and it was very beneficial, so off we go again. My husband is at high risk for the “D” word as you said because it runs in his family and he eats too many sweets.
I’m glad you got sweet memories of your babies. I can’t believe how fast they grow up. My oldest is 13 and I cry a little when I realize how small the amount of time is that is left with him.
Your stroller remark was very funny. 🙂
Thanks for stopping by here. God bless you.
Ps, I wish I had an excercises bike. Hopefully one day we will.
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The new year is fine so far if I leave out the snow and strong wind. My bike is compliments of my boss. He was taking care of my cat when I went to #2’s wedding and when I returned the bike was sitting in my living room placed strategically in front of the television.
My D problem is heredity and a few too many brownies. I was told that weight is not my problem, but lack of exercise is. I could loose a few pounds but if I lost 40 I would be looking pretty anorexic.
Enjoy your time with those kiddos while you still have them with you. It goes by very fast #3 is going to soon turn 28.
Blessings
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Cracking UP.
I think tears just ran down my leg.
Happy New Year and Happy wogging!
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Oh gosh. I went through a period last year when my back was really bad and I caught a cold that lasted for weeks where I’m sure I was solely responsible for the huge profit that Poise and Tena made!
I can’t run because nature blessed me with a chest the size of an elephant and knees that are falling apart. I should walk but right now with a spur on my heel….. My physio rolled her eyes yesterday as she explained that of course I have a bad back because that happens when you have no stomach muscles. True story sadly!!
But I continue to juice each day (and then sneak bits of ham or my daughter’s sweets when everyone isn’t looking). Ah. Such is the fun of a woman whose womb has been leased out once too often…..
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suzjones,
That was hysterical and I could feel your pain at the same time. The chest factor skips a generation in my family. #2 child got a double dose from both of her grandmothers, maternal and paternal. She desires breast reduction surgery. I’ve told her that she could give part to me. She says I would regret it.
Ah, the things those precious little ones do to our bodies, but I would trade them for nothing. Well #1 child I might trade on some days, but that is another story for another time.
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As much as I complain about my chest size, I feel sorry for my DIL who really does require a reduction. Big chests are only fun for men I think. lol
As to trading in children well…. as you said they are stories for another time. lol
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I tagged you in a TMI tag!!
https://mamalisa4.wordpress.com/2015/01/13/tmi-tag/
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Thanks!
Here’s where I confess that I don’t know what that means…
Did I give Too much information? Lol
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Its like 21 question, except 50!!! I know – I’m sorry!! Check out the link to see my post – copy the questions and put your own answers. then tag other people. I’m sorry! You just need to sit down for a while with some coffee and no children. LOL hahahahahaha!!! Thats funny 🙂
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I loved this! Several times I laughed out loud. 😄👍
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So so funny!!! I am sure Candyland was yummy and low in calories too!! Thanks for writing!!
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Low calories, low sugar, high fiber. 😀
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You are hilarious. I think I love you.
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I think I love you too! Haha
Thanks for coming by. 🙂
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