I cannot fight off the urge to be the total opposite of a hoarder, so in the dead of night I sneak around my house with garbage bags looking for my family’s stuff that I can throw out in secret.
My poor family. They didn’t know there was a Crap Fairy.
Crap Fairy is the antithesis of Santa Claus. Jolly ole’ Santa will bring stuff in while you sleep. Crap Fairy hauls your crap out to the dumpster in the dead of night. All that lovely popsicle stick art and your puzzle pieces, clothing, paper-bag-puppets and stuffed animals? Vanished. All while you slept peacefully with deluded dreams that your stuff was secure. Be warned; Crap Fairy will strike when you least expect it.
Much to their dismay, I strongly encourage my family not to become collectors of stuff. That line about “One man’s junk is another man’s treasure”? Nah. It might be shiny and appear to be treasure, but it’s crap. It’s crap that purely by coincidence, happens to be shiny. It’s crap that I’m doomed to find in the middle of my kitchen floor, or inside my dishwasher, or under my couch. It’s crap that I will trip over in the darkness of night when I make my way to the bathroom. It’s crap that will fall from the sky like confetti when someone gets the bright idea to shred up pages of books and rain them down from the top floor to the bottom floor.
Sometimes I battle the urge to order a giant metal dumpster and purge every single bit of useless kid brick-a-brack we own. It’s a sickness. Sort of like looting your own house in the dead of night.
Now where’d I put that garbage bag?
Crap Fairy is about to roll out.