CRAP FAIRY

I cannot fight off the urge to be the total opposite of a hoarder, so in the dead of night I sneak around my  house with garbage bags looking for my family’s stuff that I can throw out in secret.

My poor family. They didn’t know there was a Crap Fairy.

Crap Fairy is the antithesis of Santa Claus. Jolly ole’ Santa will bring stuff in while you sleep. Crap Fairy hauls your crap out to the dumpster in the dead of night. All that lovely popsicle stick art and your puzzle pieces, clothing, paper-bag-puppets and stuffed animals? Vanished. All while you slept peacefully with deluded dreams that your stuff was secure. Be warned; Crap Fairy will strike when you least expect it.

Much to their dismay, I strongly encourage my family not to become collectors of stuff. That line about “One man’s junk is another man’s treasure”? Nah. It might be shiny and appear to be treasure, but it’s crap. It’s crap that purely by coincidence, happens to be shiny. It’s crap that I’m doomed to find in the middle of my kitchen floor, or inside my dishwasher, or under my couch. It’s crap that I will trip over in the darkness of night when I make my way to the bathroom. It’s crap that will fall from the sky like confetti when someone gets the bright idea to shred up pages of books and rain them down from the top floor to the bottom floor.

Sometimes I battle the urge to order a giant metal dumpster and purge every single bit of useless kid brick-a-brack we own. It’s a sickness. Sort of like looting your own house in the dead of night.

Now where’d I put that garbage bag?

Crap Fairy is about to roll out.

17 thoughts on “CRAP FAIRY”

  1. I’m laughing…
    I am afraid you’d need lots more than garbage bags to help me eliminate half the stuff we have here. It’s too much to keep, too much to move, to valuable (I know, in the eye of the beholder) to throw away, and too sentimental to give away just yet. But maybe if it all starts slowly disappearing I won’t notice all that much. At first. Then I will say, O crap-fairy! O crap fairy: would you like a cup of coffee?

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    • Hi Pamela. 🙂
      Thank you so much for coming by and for taking the time to leave a comment. I hear you on the stuff.. It piles up around here QUICKLY. Some stuff I feel like I *have* to keep, just so my kids don’t turn out to be hoarders as adults because their mom threw out all their stuff as a kid. Such trauma.
      Slowly disappearing sounds good.

      And “Crap Fairy” says, yes. She wants that coffee.

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  2. dear crap fairy,
    it would truly be an act of benevolence if you would make a night-time surprise appearance in our home! my 7 kiddos,similar in age to yours…13 yrs-2 yrs, would not notice anything and dear hubs and I would create a shrine in your honor!! i promise to make a mean cup o’ joe as payment if you ever decide to make a visit!! i need to follow your example, if i could only keep my eyes open at the end of a long day of schooling and corraling our zoo!! lol!
    just discovered your blog today and shared your trip to costco adventure with the fam…we are hooked and will be back as we feel a certain kindred spirited-ness with your crew!! lol! thanks for the laugh break!
    in Him,
    michelle

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  4. Fellow mom of 7, aged 6,5,4,3,2,2,&1. Loads of crap collected daily by the little dears. Crap fairy in our house visits during nap time too. My favorite ‘crap’ is Mcdonalds toys, cut up paper, and Sunday school crafts. I decided a while ago that if I threw away the Sunday school crafts and coloring pages at church, before it ever even entered the car, they might not even remember that they colored it or constructed it! Works like a charm! By the way, we are living the same life! Love your stuff when I have time to read it!

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  5. OMG this describes my husband to the letter T. We are a family of 8 children, I know someone wilder than you ! Lol. He’s been swooping up abandoned touts from the time the first child was born. He holds onto nothing, I on the other hand will scan, file, and sort documents Til the cows come home. He keeps me in line and grounded, while I encourage him to savor a few tidbits here and there. It works out in the end and that’s all that matters. I’m happy we too have a crap fairy in our house, keep up the awesome work !!

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  7. I am an empty nester of 6 kids gone….except their stuff….they just get piled up in our great finished basement that have seen better days when my kids were younger and it was clean with toys and their school art work. Now it’s a hoarders paradise with post college crap from 6 kids, 3 weddings flowers and décor leftovers, 3 bridal showers, 9 baby showers and all my CRAFTS…not crap. Why don’t I do something about it? I am !!!! I am not the crap fairy…I am the real deal…take it with you or out it goes this summer…of course unless it brings memories like a lot of the stuff down there does now….I am glad I was a semi crap fairy when they were young…because now I am glad to have kept some of the stuff….it’s the memories for an empty nester…is the crap that will never get thrown out…I am still rolling on the floor with your blog…i’ts so true !!!!!

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  10. A neat idea you can do is take pictures of the special things you want to remember and then get rid of it. I always wanted to keep the kids old clothes and make a memory quilt. Never got to it of it. And you can always have the kids help make an album of childhood memories.The pictures you can take would be school work. art work, special toys etc. Their room as it changes as they grow..

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  11. I wish I could be a crap fairy. Fortunately, everything basically has a home, but boy do I have a ton of stuff. And all of it is emotional. My grama moved away, I was designated the keeper of her stuff… and honestly, it reminds me of my childhood. This is awesome furniture that I grew up with. knick knacks that I would play with, etc. I have things from my dad and his father (both deceased), things from my son’s childhood (and as I said my own). I am supposed to be moving from Washington State to Callifornia next month and I know I must purge, but everything has sentimental value except the toiletries and the pots and pans! Help me crap fairy, help me!

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