Poop-Skittles and mustard shots

Now seems like as good a time as any to introduce you to my three-and-a-half year old, Humdinger. He adds quite a lot of spunk (and copious amounts of pee) to our house and I will try to paint an accurate word picture to portray his personality.  Humdinger is aptly named because the right words to correctly explain him do not exist. He’s cute. He’s indescribable.

He’s naked.

Mutiple times a day I hear myself vocalizing utterly ridiculous phrases to this kid such as:

“It’s not polite to eat lunch naked,”

“You may not get into the wagon when you have no clothes on,”

“No, the mailman is not naked too,”

“You do NOT want to go feed the chickens without underpants on. TRUST me,” or

“It’s not okay to squat and shake yourself. In the kitchen.” 

For whatever reason, the kid is well-nigh a nudist. Which is unacceptable. Because I’m not sure he’s all that great at wiping.

This little corker is always doing crazy things. Recently I came downstairs from feeding Squidgy and I heard Mr. Diaz call out to me “Hey, come watch this.”  So I walked into the kitchen and saw Humdinger standing atop a tall empty Costco-sized salsa container, covered in sink bubbles and doing shots of yellow mustard. Yes.

Eating it.

Naked.

Who knocks back mustard-shots while naked? And isn’t roaring drunk?

Humdinger does.

Mr. Diaz was squirting it directly into his mouth from the bottle. And Humdinger loved it. Heck, I wish he liked clothing as much as he seems to adore yellow mustard.

Humdinger is also at the tail end of toilet training. This has taken an unusually long time. After endless months of rewards, charts, clapping, discipline, cheering, begging and whining (that was me) and an endless supply of skittles, he is finally not pooping his pants.

“WHAT pants?” You’re asking, “I thought he doesn’t wear pants.” 

Exactly.

The road I’ve traveled to get this kid on the pot has been long and rough and paved with Skittles. Then the unthinkable happened. The cow dried up and the skittles ran out.  In order not to rock the world Humdinger lives in after the progress we made (because that gets ugly), we reluctantly resorted to offering the only candy we had in the house that was leftover piñata bounty from a recent company picnic. NOW every time he poops, instead of two skittles, he’s getting two good-sized chocolate coins. Humdinger has brilliantly figured out that if he eeks out the tiniest remnant of poop possible, he’ll get two chocolates. Less than an hour later he creates a few more nuggets and gets even more candy. He’s currently gorking down 8 pieces of candy before breakfast, and I’m getting played.

I can well imagine that look in your eye. No doubt you’re thoroughly impressed by my wicked awesome parenting skills right now. What can I say? I have been manipulated by a 3-year-old nudist who has a hankering for chocolate and yellow mustard.

I love this moppet. Our lives would be rather dull without his crazy shenanigans. At night I sneak into his room, see his tiny unclad body, and I tiptoe to his bedside and whisper into his ear “I love you. You are original. There’s no one like you. You’re my very favorite child.”

And you know what?

It’s totally true.

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15 thoughts on “Poop-Skittles and mustard shots

  1. hi, I don’t have kids and reading your posts am not sure if I ever want to ;-)…

    Your posts are very funny, although I can imagine that the real life situations on which they are based might not always be the same level of funny at that moment!

    Like

    • Well thank you! And thank you for coming by. Kids are 99.5% really fun. They teach us about our own flaws and they definitely keep us humble. Plus they are great tax write-offs. 😀
      And if you can avoid drinking, they make great writing material. haha

      Like

  2. I came to this posting from a friends facebook post of yours – To the Curious Strangers at Costco – posted on Foreverymom.com – Your husband answered a question by sharing the link that led me here. I totally get you on the potty training thing. I have a 3 year old that is both calculated and clueless at the same time. I love your Q&A on the Costco post. I can’t imagine a question of religion hasn’t come up in your many outings. I would have guessed Mormon but you mentioned drinking coffee so that leads me to think Catholic. You don’t have to answer. Very very very funny post. I was going to pin point my favorite one liner but there were too many.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for coming by here! We get asked often if we are Mormons or Catholic. Nope. Evangelical Christians who like kids, Costco and…mustard. (Apparently.) I’m glad you got a kick out of it. 🙂

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  3. Your too funny..the time goes by way to fast our baby is now 20..It just seems so fast..enjoy them and teach them to love themselves with all of their flaws which makes us uniquely us…..

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Him and my 3 year old would be best friends. He is always up to something and prefers the nude. I laugh at the posts and see my kid doing those things. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone in the situation.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I happened upon your Costco post… you paint a beautiful and humorous picture of your family. I’ve been reading through the rest of your posts, and as a mom of two daughters ages 16 and 19, I can read these blog posts with a big smile on my face. Thanks for your witty insight and for sharing your great love of your family with us! You are a wonderful writer and you sound like an amazing mom 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Lol! My new favorite blogger! 🙂 we’ve got 6 kids ages 10 and under, and drive our suburban to Costco at least once a week 🙂
    Thanks for making me laugh about the situations I deal with everyday in my life, too 🙂
    We have a Humdinger too – he’s Crazy! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I saw your Costco post on FB. I love your sense of humor. I “only” have three kids. If money weren’t a concern, I’d love 8. This whole “responsible adult” thing, where you pay your bills and don’t have more kids than you can house & feed is such a buzzkill! Anyhow, I Liked your FB page and it led me here. I like your writing style!

    Like

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