Dear glamorous department store e-mailers, I don’t want your “LIMITED TIME OFFER!”

Today’s marketing email came from Nordstrom. Apparently I’m on a list of people they believe would like to buy a $200 handbag the size of a small envelope. This “bag” is designed to only hold my lip gloss, my phone, a debit card and my ID. “Perfect for a night on the town” the ad promised.

They know me so well.

I frequently get out for a night “on the town.” In fact, I often don my high heels, my little black dress and my fancy envelope-sized purse, whose cost could rival the commerce of a small nation. I go to expensive, swanky restaurants with soft music and dim lighting and sip martinis with olives while my lipgloss sparkles in the candlelight. How did they know?

After dark, I waltz through the city streets and laugh with girlfriends as we traipse across the square in faux fur capes and sit in elegant lounges where jazz bands wail out the blues.

Or, those could all be outright lies.

In all honesty, I haven’t left the house with anything smaller than a large suitcase since my first child was born. And, I remain doubtful that tall leather heels would look good with my denim jumpers and bird-house-patterned blouses. (That’s a little homeschool humor for you.)

I’ve tried to unsubscribe from all the upscale department store email campaigns, but for some reason they keep finding me.

They have the wrong girl.

I need to be getting emails from marketers selling blocks of time called “Silence in a lovely, dark room” or “Dark chocolate buffet and a spa tub.”  “A Clean kitchen and nobody else is home.” Where are those emails?

Dear glamorous, sophisticated department store e-mailers,
I’m a mom. And unless your “bag” can hold 32 library books, size 4 diapers, a glue gun, a pair of pliers, underpants and a peanut butter sandwich, I don’t want it. So, a quick word of advice: If you intend to advertise to moms, you ought to consider selling “8 hours of uninterrupted sleep.”  That’s where your money is, folks.  As moms, we need a night of sleep far more than a night on the town.

Stick that idea in your handbag and think it over.

 

 

 

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12 thoughts on “Dear glamorous department store e-mailers, I don’t want your “LIMITED TIME OFFER!”

  1. Adorable! and True!!!! I don’t know if I would want to live that life “out on the town”. A night or two, yes, but having a life of it? No. I like my jeans and birdhouse printed shirts too!!!! I like knowing that I can fix any problem from wetting your pants, settling an urge of hunger or fulfilling your crafts needs with the supplies found in my tote.
    This was well written and relatable!! Love it!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for cracking me up. I love your musings.
    Just last night I opted to hide at my parents house and do “nothing,” rather than to go out with some of my glamorous girlfriends for a night on the town, while I left the children home with their Dad for some “bonding time.” True story. And as I type this, I’m calm and relaxed, feet up, and quite pleased with myself.

    Like

  3. The mental image of a denim jumper and a teeny tiny $200 purse nearly had me spewing Cheerios on to my screen this morning. Every baby, I cheer at the moment that I can leave the diaper bag in the car and only carry an extra large purse with one diaper in it. Something tells me the $30 in quarters my dear son traded me for cash are making my wallet too big for anything smaller than a luggage sized purse anyhow.

    If you find a store that sells 10 minutes of uninterrupted time in the bathroom, a meal without spilled milk, or offers volunteers to watch small children so that I may grocery shop alone, I’m all in.

    Like

    • Oooooh, I would totally buy the bathroom time. Where do I sign for that one?

      I am glad you were able to come by and I’m glad you saved your screen from spewed Cheerios. Between you and me, I actually don’t wear a jumper (don’t own one)…but they way I dress, it’s close! Lol

      Like

      • I don’t own a jumper either – I had a maternity one once but a dear friend gave me a look and told me she didn’t take me for the blue jean jumper type. I never wore it again. With the necessary giant white van and my large homeschooling family, I do my best not to conform to all the other “typical large homeschooling family” stereotypes. I just… can’t.

        Liked by 1 person

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